Many of us with crummy guts have an issue with food. For some of us, what we put in our mouths significantly impacts the way we interact with our dear friend, Mr. Toilet. Ever see “When Harry Met Sally”? Remember the apple pie scene? That level of control is something a lot of us deal with every time we eat anything. And you really do not know the level of paranoia about food that can set in until you try to comply with the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (or as I like to refer to it, the “Such a Crummy Deal” diet). And we wonder why people are not standing in line waiting to take us out to lunch?

Speaking of going out to lunch, restaurants can literally be a pain in the butt — between scoping out where the bathroom is, scouring the menu for something to eat that is even moderately safe, giving long and complicated instructions to servers who literally could not give a crap (oh, but you do — and will), and then dealing with the people we came with (who really did not think that they were signing on to a “Five Easy Pieces” tuna salad scenario when they suggested lunch at the local dive)…Ah yes, food…I think that we will have a lot to talk about here.

I try to follow the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) but I feel that there are inconsistencies that I refuse to accept. Honey versus stevia? I will take stevia — deal with it. (For those who might not know, SCD is an eating plan expanded by Elaine Gottschall to help her daughter contend with ulcerative colitis. Essentially, you stop eating everything other than certain proteins, hoop cheese, homemade yoghurt, cooked vegetables and the occasional dollop of honey. So, no grain, no sugar, no milk, essentially no fruit or artificial sweeteners, no chocolate for God’s sake — can you spell, N-O F-U-N?) My favorite quote from her book, Breaking the Vicious Cycle: “The strictness of this diet cannot be overemphasized nor should the difficulty of adhering to it be minimized.” (Gottschall:68)

Constant pooping or no chocolate? Hmmmmm….decisions, decisions.